At War With Myself

It recently occurred to me that I am in serious danger of catching the psychiatric disorder known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

While I have never had any difficulty getting along with myself in the past, close examination of my genetic heritage exposes areas of discord dangerous to my ongoing congenial relationship with me. Eventually I could even end up locked in mortal combat with myself because of past injustices perpetrated upon some of my genetic heritage by other of my genetic heritage.

The cause of this potential turmoil is my paternal grandfather who emigrated from Denmark to the Virgin Islands where he met and married a woman of Spanish-Scottish descent. This produced my father who, so far as I know, got along with himself pretty well. But that was because his generation was unaware of the potential of professional victimhood. They were too busy fighting World War II.

My father emigrated to the United States where he married my mother, a woman of English and Irish heritage. This resulted in my mishmash of genes, chromosomes and DNA that are expected to coexist in a time when victimhood has become a cottage industry. (Since my Spanish great-grandfather originated in Spain, not South America, he is considered European which means his genes don’t qualify as being Hispanic.)

I am, in short, a European-American, a WASP in the vernacular, and, as such, am responsible for much of the misfortune in the world.

For example: My fondness for red meat has resulted in the deforestation of the rainforest, nee Jungle, in South America, a continent I have never visited. I’m also greedy for wanting to hang on to my earnings and not fork over what I earn to the Feds so they can give it to someone who deserves it more than I. According to someone named Bono, who earns more in a day than most people do in a year, we Euro-Americans (I shortened it) are responsible for poverty in Africa, another continent I’ve never been to. Why the Africans aren’t responsible for their own poverty, Bono didn’t explain.

Among our Euro-American panoply of sins is a connection, albeit tenuous, to Christopher Columbus who, by bringing Europeans to the new world (apparently it wasn’t built at the same time as the old one) destroyed a thriving civilization. (Why this thriving civilization didn’t discover Spain is beyond me.)

But all that pales when you consider that we Westerners wantonly assaulted the South Pole with hair spray, breath freshener, Freon and underarm deodorant, resulting in the fryanization of Planet Earth. Never mind that the globe got a lot hotter during the Medieval warming period, that this warming period also coincides with increased solar activity or that Mars is heating up, too. It’s us. We did it with automobiles and central heating.

This is heavy stuff. Just ask Bono.

But those are not the reasons my genes are in an uproar. The reason I’m not getting along with myself  is that parts of my genetic code have determined that I should make full restitution to other parts of my genetic code for ills perpetrated in the past.

Here’s how it goes: In the 8th and 9th centuries, my Viking ancestors sallied out of the frozen fjords in fearsome-looking dragon ships and wreaked havoc on whatever country they happened across. Unfortunately for my British ancestors, that’d be Britain, although one particularly inept navigator (Lief Ericsson) overshot Scotland, Britain and Ireland entirely and blundered into North America where people he called skraelings sent him packing.

The Vikings were an unsavory lot similar to Klingons on the old Star Trek series.Rather than just taking in the sights, they spent their time ashore raping, maiming, murdering, plundering and pillaging. Those they didn’t maim, rape, murder, plunder or pillage, they enslaved.

To rub salt in the wound, they also colonized parts of Britain and forced those they didn’t rape, maim, murder, plunder or pillage to pay protection money called Danegeld. And that’s the rub. My British genes want the money back. My Viking genes claim they don’t have the foggiest idea how many Dangelds are in a dollar. Frankly, it’s a dilemma.

My other European forebears cut up a little, too, but those particular genes generally have forgiven each other. My Spanish ancestors went so far as to send an armada against my British ancestors, but my British genes don’t hold that against them. Probably because they didn’t make them cough up Spaingeld. And despite the fact my British ancestors cut the head off the Scots’ queen, my self insists these altercations come out pretty much a draw. Except for that little Inquisition thing. But then again, none of me is Jewish or Moorish and Protestants hadn’t been invented then.

If only these double helices were as open-minded when it comes to the Vikings. The English, Irish and Scottish chromosomes remain incensed. Probably because of the slavery thing. Apparently raping, maiming, murdering, plundering and pillaging is small potatoes when compared to slavery. Never mind that every group has either enslaved or been enslaved since the first apes climbed down from the trees. The Viking genes further claim that no Dane living today took part in any of the Vikings’ bad behavior, that what happened centuries ago can’t possibly be pertinent today. But the British and Scottish genes aren’t buying it. They demand payment.

To make matters even more complicated, I married someone of French-English descent, and if our son should happen to elope with a Russian, one can only imagine the conflict in their children’s cells owing to that Imperialistic little dwarf, Napoleon Bonaparte.

But on the bright side, it could be worse. I could have Macedonian genes and owe reparations to the descendants of the entire known world in the time of Alexander.

Beam Me Up, Scottie

By now, readers of Growltiger's Litterbox get that this cat is a tennis fan. Mee-oow! 

Right now, even though Growltiger pays for cable and has The Tennis Channel, TTC isn't televising the Western and Southern Tournament in Cincinnati. That's because ESPN bought the rights to televise the tournament, but in its infinite wisdom, elected instead to televise Little League Baseball. You read that right. Little League Baseball. Not major league baseball, not even minor league baseball. Little League Baseball. Little kids.

To ESPN's credit, it does have a crawl informing those who might think they want to watch professional tennis go to their computer instead and watch on ESPN III. 

Beam me up, Scottie; I've landed on Planet Moron!

How is it possible that in the 21st century, with cable and Fios and direct satellite TV, the rules and regulations of broadcast do not allow broadcasters to compete? Oh, damn. Scrub that. I forgot about lobbyists. I forgot about crony capitalism. I forgot about how we the people, have little or no say in our lives anymore.  

Mission Accomplished

To: Fellow Tennis Gods

From: Tennis God in charge of Draws

Date: August 18, 2012

Subject: Mission Accomplished

Our boy, Roger, is playing his fellow Swissard, Stan Wawrinka, in the semis of the Western and Southern Open today, so unless he breaks a leg he's in the finals. His record against Stan is pretty good: 10 wins to 1 loss.

I thought for sure I'd get caught this time, putting 4th seeded Ferrer (0-13 against Roger), Berdych (4-10) who's having a bad year, Monaco (0-4) and, of course, Mardy Fish who just had a heart ablation procedure a few months ago in Roger's half of the draw, but nobody seemed to notice save for some cat named Growltiger. Tennis fans, sports reporters and tennis commentators are not going to get a call from NASA any time soon, are they?

Meanwhile, I put stacked Djokovic's half with a very hot Del Potro (6) and Murray (3) (both of whom just beat him at the Olympics) along with Tipsarevic (7), his friend and countryman, and Seppi (who nearly took him out of Roland Garros). Naturally, I saw to it that Julien Bennateau was in Djokovic's half, also. Though it was a fluke, the Frenchman nearly beat Roger at Wimbledon. As I said, tennis reporters, commentators and fans are not going to be calculating the trajectory for the next Mars landing, are they? 

So on to the U. S. Open. With Rafa out of the mix, I'll make sure to stick Murray and Del Potro in Djokovic's half maximizing our boy's chances. Don't worry about the fans, commentators and reporters catching on. They're clueless. But if you need brain surgery, better not call any of them. The tumor would have to be growing out your ear before they'd notice. 

Back on Course

Whew. Now that our Roger is back on top of the tennis pile and seeded number one at Cincinnati, we tennis gods don't have to screw with the draw like we did after that Serbian upstart, Djokovic, clawed his way to number 1.

Four majors have been played since Djokovic got the top spot, and, knowing our Roger has a tougher time with Rafael Nadal than he does with Djokovic, we've had to be contortionists to keep Fed in the Djoker's half of the draw. Like at the 2011 U. S. Open when for the first time since 2007, we put 1 and 3 in the same half. It was only pure coincidence that Djokovic was number 1 and our Roger number 3.  In the 3 years prior to that, 2 and 3 were in the same half, but had we done that in 2011, Roger and Nadal would have met in the semifinals and thus only one could have made it to the finals. Didn't want that.

We goofed at the 2012 Australian and sure enough our Roger and Nadal met in the semis. Djokovic and Nadal gave the fans a 6 hour tennis final of superb tennis, but it just didn't suit us not to have our Roger there. So we fixed it at the French Open. In 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2011, we put 1 and 4 in the same half of the draw. Had we done that in 2012, our Roger would have been in Rafael's half. No way, Jose. Nobody noticed that we put Roger back in Novak's half where he belonged except some troublemaker blogger named Growltiger.

It was no problem putting Roger and Novak in the same half at Wimbledon. Wimbledon has traditions and one of the traditions is that Federer and Djokovic are in the same half of the draw no matter where they are ranked. For example: 2008 when Roger was 1 and Novak 3; 2009 when Roger was 2 and Novak 4; 2010 when Roger was 2 and Novak 3; 2011 when Novak was 2 and Roger 3. So in 2012 with Novak ranked 1 and our Roger the third seed, nobody questioned us except that cat Growltiger. 

As we hoped, Roger defeated the upstart Serb in the semis and went on to win the tournament and reclaim his rightful place on the tennis throne. 

With Nadal injured, he no longer is in Federer's way. (Even if he weren't hurt, he'd be ranked third, so we'd stick him in Novak's half. Watch for it in the U. S. Open). 

Unfortunately, Djokovic is ranked number 2, so it just isn't possible to put him and Roger in the same half at Cincinnati. Even the dullest tennis fans and stupidest commentators would notice if we went that far. So we did the next best thing we could. We made sure Murray (3) and Del Potro (6) wouldn't take him out before the finals. Yep, there they are over in Novak's half where they belong. Are we slick or not?